(cover photo is NOT MINE– sourced from a ‘left foot forward’ article on marriage)
Hi everyone! I hope you are having a great Easter, even if you are revising 😦
I have been meaning to put up this post for a while, but between revising and homework and life in general, I completely forgot!
There is a common misconception between forced marriage and arranged marriages, so I really wanted to make a post about the 2, just because I feel like some people get confused or don’t understand the difference- but that’s really because it isn’t spoken about.
This post sort of links to my culture vs. religion post, in terms of forced marriage being a very common problem in many cultures (especially South-Asian ones) but it has absolutely nothing to do with religion. NOTHING. I really want to make it clear that the Pakistanis that are practising Muslims and are religious are the ones who don’t care about all this crazy culture stuff. The Pakistanis that aren’t that religious tend to be the type of people who get caught up in culture. At least, that’s what I think from what I’ve seen and heard.
DEFINITION:
Arranged marriage is your own choice. And by this I mean you have expressed an interest with your parent/guardians in going down this route of finding a partner. Or, your parents/guardian/ have expressed an interest in finding a partner for you and you have willingly agreed, and there is an understanding will choose someone that you like, and if you don’t like anyone you meet, then that’s fine. Basically, what usually happens is your parents reach out to family/family friends to see if there are other people looking to get married. If there are, you can find out about about them and see if they sound like “marriage material” to you. If you think they are, they may come over to your house (potential husband/wife and their parents) and you can get to know each other. If by the end of the night you decide this person isn’t for you, then that’s fine. They will go home and probably get a call a couple of days/weeks later and are told that you aren’t ready or some other reason. And even if you see them a bit more, it’s not like you’ve signed a contract with this guy. You can decide months later that they aren’t for you. In this day and age, it is hard for people who aren’t familiar with our culture to understand that this isn’t a horrible and old-fashioned way to get married. A lot of long and happy marriages happen this way, because there is no pressure and it’s all your own choice. Nowadays, like the majority of the population, most British Muslims/Pakistanis tend to find their partners at university or during their jobs but some people who don’t end up doing that choose the arranged marriage route. And there is nothing bad or oppressive about it- it’s literally just another way to meet people.
Forced marriage is not your own choice, your parents will not give you choice of “suitors” and will have already chosen someone for you (for example, sometimes a cousin is chosen). One or both participants are coerced into matrimony without their free consent- men can be forced into marriage as well! Although typically a woman will have a much worse time 😦
WHY DOES FORCED MARRIAGE HAPPEN?
1) Gender inequality. Often (but not always) the girl is forced into a marriage with a man who is a lot older than her. This inequality is a lot to do with the strong cultural beliefs that families have, and the idea that a woman’s place is in the home, and her only purpose in life is to make children.
2)Poverty/ Emergencies. Some families feel they have no choice but to essentially “sell” their daughters, or marry them off so that their daughters have some sort of guaranteed financial security, even if their family doesn’t.
3)Pride/Traditional Cultural beliefs. Forced marriage mainly affects people from south Asia because it is ingrained in many cultures. Some girls are taken away to countries against their will by their family, unaware of marriage plans. Some families rush their daughters into forced marriages to preserve their virginity.
PROBLEMS
Forced marriage can obviously can so many problems, including rape, abuse, increased risk of death at childbirth, illiteracy, overpopulation in LEDC’s and poor health.
In the UK, early and forced marriage is seen as a criminal offense, and can result in up to 7 years in prison. Sadly, families realize this and take their daughters on “holidays” to their country of origin (basically where they’re from), from which they never return. It is so sad and cruel and yet so common.
So, I hope you found this post interesting and I hope that you learnt something- I think it’s so important to raise awareness about these problems, and I really think parents need to start taking responsibility for the awful things they are forcing their children to do, all for the sake of maintaining pride and a strong cultural belief. These problems are “acknowledged”, but nothing is ever done. I really hope that changes.
Stay fresh,
Minty xo
April 7, 2017 at 1:26 pm
Your posts are very educational. I find forced marriage something that should be stopped but it still happens for a reason
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April 7, 2017 at 1:37 pm
Thanks so much- that means a lot to me ❤️ Most cultural problems are swept under the carpet- they just become accepted issues. So sad that people don’t have the courage to admit what they’re doing is wrong 😦
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April 7, 2017 at 2:59 pm
Great post! This actually reminds me of a culture in Kyrgyzstan. The man can actually kidnap the woman he like! Some women accept it but some unable to and leads them to commit suicide.
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April 7, 2017 at 3:10 pm
I didn’t know that- that’s horrible 😦 I’m not surprised that women in these situations commit suicide- nobody should be treated like that.
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April 8, 2017 at 1:39 am
Indeed it was. What make it worst is that, they don’t really care if the woman is still underage because the kidnapper don’t even know it. Scary culture.
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April 7, 2017 at 3:23 pm
It’s really important to distinguish between arranged and forced marriages. I always learn a lot from your posts. I often wonder: Just because a tradition is ancient, does that make it right? They’ve been doing it for thousands of years and it always used to be the norm. I guess society is different now and most people have a choice which is great.
Should people be allowed to continue with this because they’ve been doing it so long? I would say no because it’s still wrong. What do you think?
Thanks for sharing!
Gracie from A Light In The Darkness
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April 7, 2017 at 4:49 pm
I agree with you- we are living in completely different situations now and to still follow through with certain traditions like forced marriage is ridiculous. I think that people need to understand that we are living in an every changing world and society, so it’s silly to try to hold onto ideals that impact people negatively.
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April 7, 2017 at 7:04 pm
It’s great to hear your thoughts and opinion. I find what you’re saying totally right.
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April 7, 2017 at 8:30 pm
This post is so educational! This will definitely open many people’s eyes.
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April 7, 2017 at 8:52 pm
Thanks so much!
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April 7, 2017 at 11:23 pm
Very interesting read and well written! Posts like this one are so important.
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April 7, 2017 at 11:34 pm
thanks lovely x
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April 8, 2017 at 5:33 am
Thank you for clearing this misunderstanding up! It’s very important to be educated about these things
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April 8, 2017 at 9:44 am
Exactly! Thanks x
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April 8, 2017 at 11:27 pm
Very good post and I am sure it will be an eye opener for some! Keep it up
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April 8, 2017 at 11:45 pm
Thanks so much!
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April 10, 2017 at 5:59 pm
Truly an intriguing and thought provoking post! You got me thinking about a friend of ours (sadly have all but lost touch with) who chose to have an arranged marriage- as it was a cultural thing and he felt it was best for him. Once he had his bachelor party- that was it. No one has heard from him- except to hear he is doing okay and working in the USA now. We weren’t even invited to the wedding. Thank you for your post! It is so important for people to understand the differences between the two. I really hate it when things like that are painted with the same brush.
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April 10, 2017 at 6:01 pm
Thanks so much, and I agree! It’s sad that they are mixed up when they are actually so different. Thanks so much for taking the time to read xxx
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April 10, 2017 at 7:46 pm
Yes it’s very common in Pakistani culture they never allow you to marry outside your culture.Im a Pakistani myself I like the culture etc but when it comes to marriage they want only pakistani
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April 10, 2017 at 8:05 pm
Personally, people shouldn’t say that they only want a Pakistani- they should be open minded and focus on religion, not culture. It shouldn’t matter what culture they’re from.
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April 10, 2017 at 8:05 pm
Yeah but I think I can’t adapt to other cultures
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April 10, 2017 at 8:08 pm
But don’t you think it would be interesting to explore someone’s else’s culture? You would both be Muslim but you could share different cultural things with each other.
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April 10, 2017 at 8:09 pm
Yeah definitely it’s just my parents won’t allow me 😔
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April 10, 2017 at 8:10 pm
Oh I’m sorry to hear that! I’m very grateful that my parents are open minded 😦
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April 10, 2017 at 8:10 pm
Yeah Alhamdulilah
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April 10, 2017 at 8:12 pm
hopefully your parents will come around! They just need to understand that times have changed, and it’s really good to meet people from different cultures. Im sure they will see eventually!
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April 10, 2017 at 8:12 pm
They won’t I’m sure 😭
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April 10, 2017 at 8:13 pm
I have given up on marriage as well too many sisters are messing about
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April 10, 2017 at 8:16 pm
Well I think boys are immature too!
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April 10, 2017 at 8:18 pm
Yeah true 😔but don’t you think sisters are demanding too much for marriage
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April 10, 2017 at 8:20 pm
No, I think girls have a lot of expectations put on them and boys can ask for too much sometimes! Pakistani culture isn’t very kind to girls a lot of the time 😦
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April 10, 2017 at 8:20 pm
Yeah that is true sister I have experienced it with sisters
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April 10, 2017 at 8:21 pm
just my opinion though 🙂
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April 10, 2017 at 8:21 pm
Oh okay lol
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April 10, 2017 at 8:22 pm
Idk, just based on what I’ve seen and heard lol
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April 10, 2017 at 8:22 pm
So are you looking to apply to Russell Group universities
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April 10, 2017 at 8:23 pm
I’m not sure yet… Probably
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April 10, 2017 at 8:24 pm
In sha Allah.Then it’s a lot of Hard work lol
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April 10, 2017 at 8:24 pm
Hahaha I think getting into any uni is hard work! But hopefully I’ll do it
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April 10, 2017 at 8:25 pm
In sha Allah yeah I’m struggling so much
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April 10, 2017 at 8:25 pm
Oh 😦 what course? If you don’t mind me asking
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April 10, 2017 at 8:26 pm
Computer Science Alhamdulilah
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April 10, 2017 at 8:26 pm
That’s sounds very difficult !
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April 10, 2017 at 8:27 pm
Yes very especially coding hate uni especially group work
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April 10, 2017 at 8:27 pm
oh! I’m sorry to hear that!
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April 10, 2017 at 8:28 pm
No problem I will try to manage.Uni is too much fitna as well which makes it worse
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April 10, 2017 at 8:29 pm
Hopefully it will be fine
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April 10, 2017 at 8:30 pm
In sha Allah
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April 10, 2017 at 8:31 pm
Bdw why do a lot of sisters put their personal emails on here
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April 10, 2017 at 8:31 pm
What do you mean?
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April 10, 2017 at 8:32 pm
Like they say contact me on this email etc and put on their WordPress their personal email address
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April 10, 2017 at 8:33 pm
Oh I mean WordPress requires you to put one on- so I guess they just use a personal business one
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April 10, 2017 at 8:34 pm
Loool but some of them put their actual email it doesn’t allow me to do lol
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April 10, 2017 at 8:35 pm
Yeah you don’t have a website url- like I can’t click on your blog page. Do you have one?
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April 10, 2017 at 8:36 pm
Nope I don’t.Oh I get it know
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April 10, 2017 at 8:37 pm
Yeah haha you are meant to create a blog lol
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April 10, 2017 at 8:41 pm
Oh okay not putting my email up don’t want messages from weirdos
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April 10, 2017 at 8:47 pm
Hahah good idea
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April 10, 2017 at 8:49 pm
What do you think of sites like muzmatch and all these marriage sites
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April 10, 2017 at 8:50 pm
Even if it’s halal, I would never do online stuff. You never know who you’re talking to
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April 10, 2017 at 8:51 pm
Yeah and nowadays inappropriate conversation are likely to occur.Dont you think
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April 10, 2017 at 8:51 pm
I mean inappropriate conversations can occur in person! It’s not that, it’s just a bit strange online that all
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April 10, 2017 at 8:52 pm
Yeah.In person yeah but most do it online cos it’s easier for them
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April 10, 2017 at 8:53 pm
Idk, i think you can find someone in person, at uni etc.
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April 10, 2017 at 8:53 pm
Yeah.Uni is tough trust me it’s so hard
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April 10, 2017 at 8:54 pm
Cos if you start liking someone at uni you won’t focus on your studies
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April 10, 2017 at 8:54 pm
I mean you can still focus I guess- I know people who do it!
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April 10, 2017 at 8:55 pm
Yeah but it depends how you meet your spouse if you are meeting up and all that stuff then don’t think it is right
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April 10, 2017 at 8:56 pm
But meeting up with them isn’t haram if you have a chaperone- you can get to know them in a halal way
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April 10, 2017 at 8:56 pm
Yes definitely you can have marriage meeting that’s what I want to do defo not alone
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April 10, 2017 at 8:57 pm
In a public place it’s still okay because you are surrounded by people anyway
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April 10, 2017 at 8:58 pm
Trust me some guys do madness lol
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April 10, 2017 at 8:58 pm
Oh lol
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April 10, 2017 at 9:01 pm
Oh well I’m definitely not doing anything marriage related are a long time
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April 10, 2017 at 9:01 pm
Oh okay yeah that is good lol
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April 14, 2017 at 8:09 pm
do you know how to delete wordpress blog
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April 14, 2017 at 8:12 pm
No sorry- it will probably be in the settings section.
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April 10, 2017 at 8:09 pm
I’d rather not say- sorry!
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April 10, 2017 at 8:09 pm
Oh okay lol
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April 10, 2017 at 8:10 pm
Sorry lol it’s just because it’s kind of an anonymous blog. But I’m a student if that’s what you’re asking…
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April 10, 2017 at 8:11 pm
I’m just new to wordpress lol but it’s up to you lol
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April 10, 2017 at 8:12 pm
Hahah I’m just super paranoid lol
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April 10, 2017 at 8:13 pm
Yeah sister it’s good can’t expose your personal stuff on here
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April 10, 2017 at 8:10 pm
One advice don’t live out uni
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April 10, 2017 at 8:11 pm
Why?
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April 10, 2017 at 8:11 pm
Too much madness you can fall into it can’t say it publicly
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April 10, 2017 at 11:21 pm
Great analysis. I am happy to read an educated post on topic of marriage.
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April 10, 2017 at 11:29 pm
thanks so much!
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April 17, 2017 at 6:22 pm
I was just reading another blog about this girl’s life on arranged and forced marriage. Bottom line she was not happy. And then I was wondering if she was confused between forced marriage and arranged and some of my friends were confused as well. Thank you for pointing this out! I’m a Muslim and I’ve came across questions from people who think “oh she’s Muslim. I feel bad for her. Her parents are going to force her into marriage.” Some people think arranged marriage ties into forced marriage. The parents help you find a soulmate. But it’s your choice if you consider that person or not. And you know what’s crazy a lot marriage problems are caused by the daughter or son. Forcing their own parents to marry a certain person no matter their opinion him/her. In this case the parents suffer more than the child.
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April 17, 2017 at 6:29 pm
I’m so glad I was able to help! Its sad that people stereotype and assume the wrong things just because of the fact the your Muslim- I’ve gotten that question before too! And I agree 100% that arranged marriage is just another way to find your life partner- why it’s gotten so confused with forced marriage I have no idea. Thanks so much for taking the time to comment and share your opinion! Xxx
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April 24, 2017 at 11:32 pm
Such an insightful blog post which I’m glad I read, I’ve always found arranged marriages abit confusing and would say I didn’t really like the sound of them but now I understand a bit more thanks to your post, my views have changed. However forced marriages are obviously like you say not okay, and I feel so sad that some people have to go through this! I can’t believe its even allowed and also, why would a parent want to put their child through something that could make them so unhappy!? I can’t wait to read more of your posts 🙂
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April 24, 2017 at 11:40 pm
Your support means so much, thank you! And I’m so glad you’ve learnt something, that was basically my aim because I know the over the years the 2 have become mixed up when they are actually so different. And I totally agree, forced marriage is, and will always be, wrong. Honestly, I don’t understand why you would out your children through that emotional and physical trauma. Thanks so much and I can’t wait to read more of your posts too! ❤️
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May 14, 2017 at 12:41 pm
That is honestly amazing!! Thank you so much for your kind words and support ❤️❤️
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January 12, 2018 at 4:45 pm
I agree with everything you said and it’s honestly so sad that the police aren’t acting on it when it’s happened multiple of times😕
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January 12, 2018 at 5:07 pm
yeah it’s honestly so sad 😦
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